Once I get the husband... the house... the baby... the white picket fence... THEN I will make it. Right? Then I will finally be happy. That one day in the future when I will have it all figured out. Solid career, Loving Family, Financially Stable, extra time for creative D.I.Y. projects like building my own shelves out of antique wood I find at the local flea market. As I am getting closer to turning 30, I am realizing that all of these dreams I have carried with me since I was a little girl are melting away. THERE IS NO THERE! There is only here. And here, And Here. And Here. Just this moment right now. I'm not saying that I'm going to give up on these dreams... I am just slowly coming to the realization that dreams are all they are. The snakes skin keeps shedding, and who I thought I was yesterday is not who I have become today, I am growing and the skin that suited me well yesterday is not the skin that covers me today. Do I still have a desire to get married... Yes. Do I still crave the felling of growing a child in my womb... Yes. But all of these desires, they are no longer serving me. They are actually getting in the way of me growing into the woman that I never even imagined I could be. Clinging onto this old skin... clutching it and wrapping it around me like a thin blanket on a chilly night. I have no way of predicting what will come in the future. I have spent hundreds of dollars on psychics, astrologers basically paying them to tell me that everything is going to be okay. Paying them to reassure me that I am on the right track so I can relax just a little bit. So I can loosen my grip on the thin blanket that is no longer serving me. So now what? Now I let who I thought I was die again, I die... so I can be reborn into something even more complex. Even more beautiful and full and fierce and powerful. I let go. I let go of the edge of the cliff I have been clinging onto my entire life... and I fall. Who knows what kind of ground will be there to support me when I land. But that doesn't really matter anyways because where I fall is NOT in my control. So maybe one day I will have a white picket fence, and maybe I won't. All I know is that from this moment on, I choose to surrender to what is, and allow my life to just happen instead of chasing it down and forcing it to fit my cookie cutter images of success. Today... right now... I surrender.
In a moment of deep struggle, physical pain, emotional chaos, and spiritual questioning... I reached out to my teacher and requested that she give me just one sentence to help me find just one kernel of truth. She replied...
"It's not Real." Suddenly everything shifts. I begin to wake up from the dream... Even the sidewalk appears to be shape shifting and transitory. If life as we imagine it to be isn't real, then we should really stop taking every struggle we face so seriously and start to fully surrender into what IS without trying so hard to fight it. I know from multiple past experiences that in the darkest shadows the brightest light is revealed. So instead of scrambling around crawling on my hands and knees searching for a match, I should just sit patiently in darkness... securely ... knowing and trusting that in due time the light will emerge on its own.
As children we are told that when we are lost, we should stay in one place so that whoever is looking for us will be able to find us. I am choosing to stay in this place with full confidence. Knowing that whatever answers are meant to reveal themselves will do just that. When I talk of staying in one place, I am not insinuating I will physically just sit on the sofa eating potato chips watching T.V. waiting for God to whisper the answer into my ear. I am talking about having the courage to go about my everyday life, cook my breakfast, exercise, and take care of myself to the best of my ability.
This is being a warrior. It is turning on the stove and chopping those vegetables one at a time with a deep sense of love for yourself. Its throwing on your running shoes and stepping out the door for a 20 minute walk around your neighborhood. It's taking the time to make yourself a warm cup of tea instead of grabbing a cold drink from the fridge. Because deep down I know that I am worth it. I know that this struggle is temporary and that I am a warrior so I will stay in the dark as long as it takes for the light to come beaming through.